Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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