I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
