I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
