He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
