We need to rekindle our bromance
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
