Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
