Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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