Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
