This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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