there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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