As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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