Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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