After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
