So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
