If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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