I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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