Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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