I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
