Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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