haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
