The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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