Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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