a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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