Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
