My hand turned me down
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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