I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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