Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
