I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
