I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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