Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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