Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
