We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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