Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
