Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
