i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
