Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
