The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
