I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
