And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just tell him i said nine months
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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