Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
