I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
