did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
