i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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