What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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