How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
