hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
