i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
