We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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