This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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