The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
