did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
