she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
