Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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