Don't make out with my wife yet
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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